“I never thought I would ever have it together again,” he said.

TobyMac is opening up about what it’s been like living without his 21-year-old son, Truett Foster McKeehan. The Christian singer lost his oldest son, an aspiring rapper, to an accidental drug overdose in October of 2019. In the time since, TobyMac has expressed that things have not been the same since Truett’s death.

“I will forever be a different man,” the 57-year-old told People in an interview published Thursday (Aug. 19). “I thought, honestly, with my five kids and my bride, that I had the perfect life. And we’re really messy now. It’s not so neat anymore.”

Initially, TobyMac — born Kevin Michael McKeehan — was not planning to write about his losing Truett in his music. But as the former DC Talk member began writing more and more for his album Life After Death, incorporating themes pertaining to Truett’s death into his music became inevitable.

“The pain and anguish was just killing us. I never thought I would ever have it together again,” he said. “I want to write songs that resonate. It’s amazing how many people have experienced loss and how a song just loves them well, wherever they are. I’m so grateful for that.”

While living without Truett has been hard, TobyMac, wife Amanda McKeehan and their four other children (20-year-old twins Moses and Marlee, and sons Leo, 17, and Judah, 16) have all become more transparent about their feelings, and use the loss of Truett as something to grow from.

“We just look each other in the eyes and talk about the hard things,” Mac added. “That’s been special to our family and needed …Truett was their hero, so it’s hard. Do we all know that he made a mistake? Absolutely. We all know what happened. My kids are aware, but it doesn’t tarnish the person that Truett is to any of us.”